I Only Wanted

When I first started this blog, I wanted to discuss like real life stuff in it, you know? Now it seems like all I write about is Random Boy. This sorta makes sense, I guess... Since he's all I can really think about, but still. 

I think it's funny how I go through situations like these and isolate myself from everyone around me, thinking I'm the only one that's ever felt the way I'm feeling. Then I go and watch something like He's Just Not That Into You, and I realize that I'm a NORMAL girl. That NORMAL girls are stuck in my exact position EVERY DAY. This is a small relief, since it doesn't really make anything any easier, but at least I know that I'm not the only person pining over someone to the degree I'm doing.

Or, I guess.. Not anymore.

I know I haven't updated in forever, but RB and I hung out a few times since New Years. It was all really normal, which started freaking me out. He ate a meal with my mother and sister and me, we went out in public and he made dang sure everyone around us knew we weren't just friends, and he banged on my bedroom window at 3am one night because he felt so bad for flaking on me earlier that day. And, inevitably.. Despite my better logic, I had begun to get used to having him around. This was dangerous, because he's volatile and flighty, and I think it was just a matter of time before he up and left again. 

So about a week ago, I picked him up from his house around midnight to sneak him into my old room at my mom's, since it was closest. There, with a little help from Sailor Jerry and a couple of hickeys on his neck that had nothing to do with me, I confessed everything to him. Sort of..

I told RB that I wanted to start gearing my mind away from random hookups and towards something more stable. I told him that I really really liked him, but that since he wasn't a stable person, he needed to remove himself from my life. I was a little harsher than I wanted to be, and in retrospect, I should have framed this more as a question than a demand, but the point is that I stood up for myself and the lack of respect I thought he was showing me. Much to my surprise, he seemed more hurt than anything else. He furrowed his brow and told me he was insulted, but that if I really wanted him to leave me alone, he understood and would adhere to my wishes. I think that when I had run through the scenario in my head before, I'd seen him as angry. Of course, I secretly hoped that he'd tell me he didn't want to disappear, and that he'd make himself something more stable (coughBOYFRIENDcough), which I know is pathetic, but hey. This sorta middle ground wasn't what I'd expected at all, and I remember (vaguely) becoming a little flustered and mumbling something about how it wouldn't be hard for him to find another girl to make out with.

It was here that he got mad, declaring "When I leave here in the morning, I'm not going to be thinking 'Damn... Now I've gotta go find a new girl to make out with...' I'm going to be like 'Damn... I'm never going to see Cassidy again.' You're not just some girl to me, you're you." 

Which sounds really cute, right? But the point is he still left. He didn't make some grand gesture of his feelings for me, or go into panic mode and try to persuade me to change my mind. He "respected my decision;" he "got what I needed to do." 

So why do I feel like I did it all wrong?

I know I should be proud of myself. Tons of girls would have stayed in the bad situation until the bad boy disappeared again or, worse, they would have become so desperate to hold his attention that they would have given everything up to him without any sort of commitment. So I should be patting myself on the back, right? 

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to stop thinking about him, so I'll try to stop writing about him.

We can get to real issues now. No more messy Random Boy drama. Scout's honor.

All I Want for Christmas is You

So! Happy holidays! Happy new year! Hello 2009!

I've been absent, I know, because it feels like I've been working every day for the past month. I'm out of school, though, with TWO PASSING GRADES so far, which has me rather stoked as it means I don't have to become a stripper. Yay! To welcome this already amazing year, I've got a pretty long list of resolutions. Some people think they're silly, but I like to set goals for myself sometimes, and this is a perfect excuse. Topping the list are going vegan for lent (if not longer), getting over people I need to get over*, and becoming more independent. There are a bunch more, like:

• start driving the speed limit
• bring up my gpa
• get the perfect figure (36-24-36)
• make girl friends
• take more pictures
• join a club or two at school

to name a few. Last year, I wanted to go vegetarian for lent, and just kept at it, so I'm hoping to be able to go all the way. It shouldn't be too hard. Being more independent, now that my hours are seriously cut at the Paragon, won't be difficult either, since I'm being forced to find a job in the city and won't need to sleep at home every weekend. However, getting over people that are bad for me may not be too easy. In fact, about four hours after I watched the ball drop with my Orinda friends, I got a *message from Random Boy on myspace.

Seriously. I freaked out for a bit, responded viciously, and held my own against his charm until he called me. Even then, I called him names and asked how he'd been living with himself for about half an hour, at which point I hung up to get dressed and go meet him at his friend's house. As a quick recap, the last we'd talked was Halloween, before he'd started completely ignoring my calls and messages. So I admit my weakness, and realize from telling this story that I look like a total fool for him. Maybe I am. 

But life isn't a fairy tale, and I waited eighteen years to find a boy that flipped all the right switches in me. Even in high school, when I liked Tall Guy, then Tall Boy, and eventually French Boy, they only ever had my heart all aflutter. It sounds a little gross, maybe, to those of you that may be squeamish, but Random Boy is sexy. His smile, his mouth, the way he answers the phone; all of it just turns me on. It's insane and illogical, but hey. It is what it is. So I went to his friend's house, and we talked like nothing had ever happened. I slipped in a couple bitter little snippets here and there, but for the most part, we were the same twosome we'd been when we first met. 

And then he kissed me, and all of a sudden it was morning, and he was afraid the house was going to start waking up. I got up to leave, and he came with me. Skipping over all the gory details, I snuck him out the next morning to go to work a zombie; running on about 45 minutes of sleep. 

And now he's messaging me. I don't really know what to think or do, or even who to ask about it. Obviously, I should be ignoring him. Obviously, I should be running far, far away. But, by use of that particular strain of logic, I shouldn't have let him be my New Year's kiss. But he was. So what now? 

Mini-Me says it might be good to just be friends, and take out all the benefits. My Work Bff scolds that I should completely ignore him. My Prima Ballerina has just said that she wants to meet him if he's going to be sticking around, but I don't know what to do. 

Idk. Advice?

ON another note, it's sunday right now. Sorta. Technically monday, but I'm not going to count it that way. Yesterday, we had 200 Chinese walk-ins come into my restaurant wanting tables and food. I did the best I could, but only managed to seat 150 of them, and probably only 50 of them comfortably. None of them tipped well, all of them were irreparably rude, and I'm pretty sure a few of them talked about me in chinese right in front of my face! Worst day ever?

Earlier tonight, while I was complaining to the Chinese Bartender about his ill-mannered brethren, another busser came in and told me I looked cute the way I was huffing and puffing. The Chinese Bartender mentioned that though he loves me, he'd never have the "hots" for me because I'm white. He then went on to say that in all his 48 years, he'd only dated Asian girls.

I'm sorry, but this offended me. FIRST OFF, if I were to make the blanket statement "I only date white guys," I would be immediately tacked as a hardcore, disgusting racist. What gives other races the right to distinguish like that? ESPECIALLY because he wasn't even really distinguishing. It'd be one thing if he said "I only date Chinese women," because then at least he'd have some reason. He wasn't born here, so it'd make sense for him to only want to date women who could speak his language with him at home or whatever. But what about a Japanese? Or a Korean? Or a Viet? What makes them any better than a white or black girl?

Stupid.

Anyways. That was random, haha. Just sorta bothering me. I'm going to head in. I'll try, since I've got loads of time on my hands now, to write more. =)

ps: I didn't throw Random Boy's birthday present away. It was kinda/sorta stolen from me by the Vegas Bro. Like, he asked me why I had it and I told him why, and he decided that I shouldn't give it to a guy that I didn't talk to anymore. So he took it for himself. Jerk move, sure, since I'm not even certain he'll put it to good use, but it wasn't like I could have done anything with it.